So far away.

Days have become a surreal blur. Audrianna would have been 2 months old on Christmas day and I miss her terribly. Our family is struggling to move on and live a normal life. I know we can't move on with life in a few months, but it's almost as though time is working against us. Tuesday would have been my due date with her. She would have just been born. It has definitely been rough trying to deal with this, especially during the Holidays.

I am Audrianna's mother

I have been thinking too much lately. Audrianna has been on my mind nonstop. It has been 6 weeks since our brief hello and goodbye in October. I have finally gone back to work and I also got her memorial tattoo done. To state, I may have only got to carry her for 30 weeks, but in those 30 weeks I got to hear her beartbeat, watch and feel her move, see her beautiful face on ultrasounds, and I got to hold her in my arms for hours, yes, even after she had passed. She will be in my heart for a life time and beyond. I love my daughter so much that it hurts. Time heals all wounds, I just don't know how long it will take for this one to heal. 8:12a - 8:51a 10/25/12

A bit late

The first month has passed, it has not gotten any easier, not that I'm expecting it to be easier, but the past month has been the hardest one in my entire existence. Aaron and I have increasingly gotten closer and have made the love we share not only for our daughter, but one another, nearly unbreakable. I am so grateful that he is the man that is walking this journey with me. If it were not for him I don't know if I would be able to sit here and tell everyone this. We share the same tears, him and I. I can honestly say, I love him and I don't feel guilty about it. Love is the key.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." -Mother Teresa

It's Thanksgiving...

I know my title is clearly stating the obvious, but I don't feel very thankful today. I, of course, am grateful for all of our supporters and all of the people we don't know that have followed, read this and supported us from a distance. Exactly four weeks ago we had to say both, hello and goodbye to our Audrianna, so today so far has been very difficult. We are on a very long and difficult road right now and I'm still waiting for the day I can wake up and not feel a rush of guilt that there was nothing that I could do to protect her from the horrible fate she was destined. I miss her more and more everyday and not a second goes by that she's not on my mind.
Mommy and Daddy love and miss you very much, Audrianna and I need to remember that it's four weeks closer to my being with you again.

Taylor Swift - Never Grow Up - [LYRICS]

Terrible times, lasting impressions

     Audrianna's memorial gathering is monday, TOMORROW. We got her cremains yesterday. I got my necklace for them Friday along with her urn, just waiting on her daddy's necklace and we'll be set.
     Some days it feels like time is standing still. No matter how much I wish for the day to end it crawls. There's not a second that goes by that Audrianna's not on my mind, things that we would be doing, the way she would smell after a bath, even the way her cry would sound. It's amazing how someone so tiny could have such an impact on your life, even when she's not here.
     We also found out the cost of the tattoos we are getting in her memory. Aaron has decided to get his up and down the opposite side of his ribs from Aydin's name, a brave choice... I'll be getting mine just below my left collar bone as close to my heart as I can get it. I would have gotten it on my heart, if it wasn't for the silly strawberry mole that is there. We'll only have to pay $100 total when all is said and done, which I'm grateful for.
      Aydin still doesn't quite understand what's going on. He knows she's his baby sister and he knows that she can't be here with us, but he doesn't know why nor does he understand why she died. That's the hard part, explaining to them that there was nothing that we could do, she was too sick, and then the look in their eyes when you tell them that she's still with them and knowing that she has such amazing older siblings.
     Hopefully days will get shorter and the stress will deplete. I also hope that my smile gets bigger and that laughing doesn't hurt as much. One day at a time, that's all I can ask.

Donations to help pay for services

The pain is never ending.

I know this feeling too well. I will never forget you Audrianna, Mommy and Daddy love you, forever. I wish you could be here in my arms, just one more time, that I could whisper I love you.

Audrianna

She has such a cute nose, her daddy's all the way.

 The tears wouldn't stop, all I could do was tell her I love her.

 Just as surgery had started. I was terrified, but I did great.

Daddy's princess, the love he has for her is amazing.

 I love this little girl so much, I miss her already.

 Words cannot describe how much I love them.

 2lbs 8.9 ounces, 13.5 inches long. She lived for 39 minutes. I wish it could have been longer, but I'm glad I got to hold her while she was still alive. Gone from us here on Earth but in our hearts forever.

Strange measures

      Had my 30 week appointment this morning. Discussed issues with her sitting on my kidney, he's doing a urine culture to make sure I don't have a kidney infection because of it. He also did normal fundal measurements. Two weeks ago, Ms. Audrianna was measuring at 26 weeks, today she was measuring at 47 centimeters... so basically, based on fundal height, she was ready 7 weeks ago, Doctor Shakfeh asked if I've been having contractions, which I have, but nothing constant enough to bother me. He said that based on the size of my uterus, she is "ready" so the contractions could get more frequent, which he wants, he wants her to be the 10% of Anencephalic babies that will put the mother into labor. He also said that because of the anencephaly, I have too much amniotic fluid which he called Polyhydramnios. The Polyhydramnios is what is causing my large measurements.
      Also, in other news, he got hospital clearance for my VBAC or as it's now called TOLAC.

Details, details, details...

      Had a quick Dr. appointment today. We discussed potential dates for the induction. He wasn't cleared to do the induction at or before 37 weeks because of the hospital and insurance guidelines. So Nov. 23rd is now completely out.
      He said that because of the guidelines the soonest he could do it is 39 weeks, which falls on Christmas up until 41 weeks, which falls on my mom's birthday. Now, mind you, these time frames are all "relative" and if my health starts to decline or I start to dilate, then of course, we can induce a little earlier. Things are all over the place, but my blood sugar levels and blood pressure at this point are next to perfect, so he's not too concerned at the moment.
      I was also informed today that now that I'm in my 3rd trimester, I'll be seeing him every two weeks until 34 weeks, when I start seeing him weekly. And we still have no word on when he wants me to take my leave of absence from work... we'll see soon, depending on how comfortable I am come December, I know right now, I'm about done.

Audrianna's Debut

 This is Audrianna's girl part debut. The first time she has ever showed them to us. We love her so much <3

In this picture you can see that the top of her head isn't normal. The entire top right side of her skull is missing.

Audrianna is so beautiful. We love her with everything we have. Nothing will change that ever. Miss Audrianna is trying to suck her thumb but she was mad because she kept getting poked by the ultrasound probe.

Imperfectly Perfect

I had an appointment yesterday and they made me an appointment for this morning for my 3D/4D ultrasound. I had to be to the doctor's office at 8:45 to check the severity of the abnormality that the doctor in Tampa found. She was all over the place. While the technician scanned my belly Autumn and I watched on a big screen TV in front of us. During the 2D portion baby didn't look any different and then they switched to the 3D/4D portion. They determined she is in fact a girl, she wasn't shy this time. Then they scanned her head and we got to see that the right side of her brain and skull are missing because they didn't fully develop.
Audrianna Elizabeth Guy will be born anytime between November 28th and December 11th, there will be a service in her honor. All we can do is remember that she will be well taken care of and in a better place. She will never be forgotten and she will live on through Aaron and I for the rest of our lives. As we move forward we have to remember that she's perfect in every way because she is ours and the most we can do now is love her in the time that we have her.

Breaking the Silence

      After finding a new doctor there has been an exciting amount of movement going on in my belly. Baby has been moving non-stop for weeks and it's making me feel like there is hope. I have had a few more ultrasounds done, but was told that I need a better ultrasound ie, a 3D/4D because the ultrasounds aren't making it easy to tell if the skull is formed or not. In some shots it looks viable, in others it looks as though the brain is missing a lobe. I have had a 3D/4D ultrasound scheduled for September 11, I will then be 24 weeks pregnant with this baby, and I still don't know what the sex of the baby is.
       During the ultrasound my friend Autumn and I were watching the little palm sized screen, he was pointing out the things that we were looking at. Whether it was the baby's long legs and adorable feet or the head he pointed out everything so that we could get a thorough understanding of what we were looking at. As he went to look at the baby's gender we then watched her legs cross so that we couldn't see. It was just amazing.
       We have a long road ahead of us, and it's going to be riddled with tests and exams and possibly unanswered questions. But we're holding together and we're walking through this because it's what is right. I love this child and no matter the outcome she/he will always be my son or daughter.

Finding out...

I really want to know what we're going to be having regardless of the outcome of our second opinion, everyone at work keeps asking if we will find out or not, but not many people know of all the stuff that's going on. And how do you tell people that you only really associate with during work hours something so heartwrenching? I guess my biggest question here is, is it wrong to want to know what we're having at this point? Or is it ok to know? Am I being selfish?

Really proved their worth today....

I went to the original doctor in Tampa today.... My blood sugar dropped while I was there for my appointment, they didn't care, so we left, will not be returning.

Lost At Sea

        After being told what I was I couldn't be alone, I felt alone at all times, no matter who was with me. I could have been surrounded by hundreds of people and I felt lost in the crowd. Everyone around me was trying to give me advice but really had no idea what they were advising. I was told by several that the best way to deal was to carry to term, by others I was told that the sooner I ended it the better I would feel. I couldn't keep away from google, which is horrible and does these babies zero justice.
        At work, I had to put on a fake smile and endure laughing with customers along with wishing them a good weekend or to have a wonderful day when all I wanted to do was break down and scream. I also tried to be strong because Aaron wouldn't talk to me about his feelings. I had no idea how he was feeling, he for some reason couldn't really talk about what we were going through and all I wanted to do was talk. I wanted to make sure that there was a strong support system between us and that we would be able to survive something as terrible as losing a child. The only thing he would say was stop acting like it's happening right now and let's wait for the second opinion.
       I felt like there wasn't anything wrong with my pregnancy and everything felt so normal, and I wanted so bad to go with my gut reaction but with the way the doctor told me and the way he seemed to have no sympathy or even better empathy just made me feel helpless and lost and with that one three minute period June 28 I had my entire world turned upside down in an instant.
       I tried my hardest to follow Aaron's advice, but it was difficult, the only person that truly seemed to understand was Brooke and that was because she was there with me when I got the news. I wanted to withdraw from society and just not have anything to do with anyone, but I also knew it wouldn't be safe for me to be alone so I surrounded myself with people whether I wanted to be around them or not. The stress from everything going on was affecting my body in ways that were dangerous to both me and the baby as well. My blood sugar was dropping extremely low and it didn't matter if I ate a feast or not, it would drop regardless. Aaron was saying that he thought that someting being wrong with the baby was making it happen when honestly I think it had a lot to do with stress and a wrong insulin dose.
       The hardest part so far has been the waiting. It has been over three weeks and I'm still waiting for an okay for my amniocentesis. I don't know what route I'm going to go with this yet. I'm afraid of both outcomes and as someone who was so excited about this baby I feel like I'm lost at sea with no one that can come to rescue me.

In the beginning

       This is a sensitive subject, on all accounts. I'm not married, but I'm in a committed relationship and have been this way for three wonderful years. We weren't trying to get pregnant in all honesty. Not that it wasn't something that we had thought about somewhere in the deepest part of ourselves. We had made plans to wait until we were certain that things between us were solid and that we were financially and physically stable enough to handle having another baby. The gods, had other plans.
     
        I learned that I was pregnant Thursday, April 26, 2012. I was scared and not quite sure how to react. I cried and because the baby's father wasn't with me at that moment I called him to let him know what was going on. He wasn't mad, but he wasn't exactly thrilled because this isn't what we had planned. We wanted to wait to have a baby, that was what he was stuck on. It took a lot of time for him to understand what was going on and how it had happened, but he finally came around and began to accept that this is what was going on and there was no changing it.

      I had my first prenatal appointment Tuesday, May 22, 2012. I had made an appointment with the OB that I had during my pregnancies with both my son and my daughter. He did an ultrasound and made a picture for us to take home. Aaron stated that it looked like a motorcycle. He cried during the ultrasound as he saw the fast flicker of our baby's heartbeat. At that moment I believe is when he realized that this was real and that he was going to be a father again. It was determined that our due date was January 1, 2013 based on both, ultrasound and my last period. He also said that based on my two priors that I probably wouldn't carry to January and would have baby in December sometime.


The next day, after the first doctor reviewed my high-risk factors he decided he wouldn't be able to continue taking care of me during this pregnancy.       

       For weeks I searched for a new doctor. It wasn't until I talked to the ladies in a group on Cafemom and Facebook that I found the doctor that I began seeing in Tampa. I had my first appointment with them June 14 at 9am. They did normal first appointment stuff, did a routine pap smear, listened for fetal heart tones, and asked a lot of questions, then they referred me to their high-risk clinic. After the appointment was over, we set my second appointment and an ultrasound. The ultrasound was set for June 28 and the appointment was set for July 10. It seemed like everything was perfect and I was getting more and more excited.

      On the morning of June 28 I was really excited. I got to see my baby again, and I hoped that this time it would look like a baby and not a baby riding a motorcycle. We were a little late to the appointment because of traffic on the interstate and Wendy's being busy, but we got there at 1:32pm, my appointment was set for 1:30. Shortly after arriving and checking in they called me back and told me to go to room 2. The ultrasound tech was this little lady with a cute face, she seemed nice and welcoming, I was also over the moon about having this done and getting to see my adorable little bean, I was 13 weeks and 2 days pregnant. She started the ultrasound and we were looking at this adorable little baby. Everything to me seemed perfect. After she finished the abdominal she said that she wanted to check my cervix and did a trans vaginal ultrasound (I will NEVER have another of these as long as I can have children).  She did this ultrasound quickly and finished telling me that the doctor was going to come in and talk to me. She didn't say that she thought something was wrong, nothing. It seemed like an eternity for the doctor to come in and talk to me. When he finally decided to grace us with his presence he said very curtly that he noticed some abnormalities with the baby's head. That he thought that our baby had Anencephaly. My friend Brooke, whom was with me because Aaron couldn't get out of work to come with, didn't know what he was talking about so she asked him to explain what that meant.
Let me explain to you what Anencephaly is before I continue. Anencephaly is a Neural Tube Disorder where the brain, skull, and parts of the scalp don't properly fuse during the first four weeks of pregnancy. It is a fatal diagnosis and there is no known cause for it, BUT it is known to be more common in woman who take medicines to prevent seizures and in insulin dependant diabetics. Every one in ten thousand births is Anencephalic. It's a lot more common than most people know.
         When Brooke asked what it meant I already knew. I had seen blogs of women on Facebook and babycenter and cafemom that have had to deal with Anencephalic losses. Seeing these blogs tempted me to learn more about it, but I never in a million years expected it to happen to me, for me to be told this. I instantly broke down, shaking, crying, and just sobbing uncontrollably. The doctor walked out to make a phone call to the hospital while Brooke, whom was also in tears, called Aaron for me and attempted to tell him what was going on. He heard me in the background and demanded to talk to me without any explanation. She handed me the phone and as he was trying to calm me down enough to find out what was going on, Brooke was hugging me and just trying to be as supportive as possible. He finally talked me down a bit for me to explain what the doctor had just told me, he was shocked and got really quiet. He told me that everything would be OK and that he had to go back to work. After I got off the phone with him I called my doula and best friend, Stephanie. She told me to not take the news out right and to get a second opinion before making any brash decisions. At this point the doctor was back from making his phone call, which was him trying to make an appointment for me to go and terminate as soon as possible without me even having time to talk my options over with my baby's father. He also decided to tell me my options, which as he put it were; To let nature take it's course (because he said most Anencepahlic babies die in utero), to terminate, or to carry to term and watch my baby die either minutes or hours after birth. He said it just like this, with little to no compassion, just so matter-of-factly. He wouldn't stop talking and all I can remember about that is wanting to punch him in the face to make him shut up. He eventually said that I could go home and discuss my options with Aaron and then he left the room. I knew at that moment that I wanted to have a second opinion, but I didn't want to go into it unsupported. I called my sister and Aaron's mom to tell them what was going on and to ask their opinions on the idea of the second opinion, they both agreed that that would be the best bet and that they both supported it, no matter what the outcome. I cried for nearly eight hours that day, and I still cry sporadically because I feel like I have failed my baby, like in some way I didn't do something to protect him or her. I am now 16 weeks and 2 days and I'm still awaiting my second opinion. Aaron and I have decided that an amniocentesis will be our best route to take. I just have to find a doctor that will do it and then I have to wait longer to find out any results that come from it. We have estimated that I will be about 26 weeks before we have any hard facts.