Lost At Sea

        After being told what I was I couldn't be alone, I felt alone at all times, no matter who was with me. I could have been surrounded by hundreds of people and I felt lost in the crowd. Everyone around me was trying to give me advice but really had no idea what they were advising. I was told by several that the best way to deal was to carry to term, by others I was told that the sooner I ended it the better I would feel. I couldn't keep away from google, which is horrible and does these babies zero justice.
        At work, I had to put on a fake smile and endure laughing with customers along with wishing them a good weekend or to have a wonderful day when all I wanted to do was break down and scream. I also tried to be strong because Aaron wouldn't talk to me about his feelings. I had no idea how he was feeling, he for some reason couldn't really talk about what we were going through and all I wanted to do was talk. I wanted to make sure that there was a strong support system between us and that we would be able to survive something as terrible as losing a child. The only thing he would say was stop acting like it's happening right now and let's wait for the second opinion.
       I felt like there wasn't anything wrong with my pregnancy and everything felt so normal, and I wanted so bad to go with my gut reaction but with the way the doctor told me and the way he seemed to have no sympathy or even better empathy just made me feel helpless and lost and with that one three minute period June 28 I had my entire world turned upside down in an instant.
       I tried my hardest to follow Aaron's advice, but it was difficult, the only person that truly seemed to understand was Brooke and that was because she was there with me when I got the news. I wanted to withdraw from society and just not have anything to do with anyone, but I also knew it wouldn't be safe for me to be alone so I surrounded myself with people whether I wanted to be around them or not. The stress from everything going on was affecting my body in ways that were dangerous to both me and the baby as well. My blood sugar was dropping extremely low and it didn't matter if I ate a feast or not, it would drop regardless. Aaron was saying that he thought that someting being wrong with the baby was making it happen when honestly I think it had a lot to do with stress and a wrong insulin dose.
       The hardest part so far has been the waiting. It has been over three weeks and I'm still waiting for an okay for my amniocentesis. I don't know what route I'm going to go with this yet. I'm afraid of both outcomes and as someone who was so excited about this baby I feel like I'm lost at sea with no one that can come to rescue me.