In the beginning

       This is a sensitive subject, on all accounts. I'm not married, but I'm in a committed relationship and have been this way for three wonderful years. We weren't trying to get pregnant in all honesty. Not that it wasn't something that we had thought about somewhere in the deepest part of ourselves. We had made plans to wait until we were certain that things between us were solid and that we were financially and physically stable enough to handle having another baby. The gods, had other plans.
     
        I learned that I was pregnant Thursday, April 26, 2012. I was scared and not quite sure how to react. I cried and because the baby's father wasn't with me at that moment I called him to let him know what was going on. He wasn't mad, but he wasn't exactly thrilled because this isn't what we had planned. We wanted to wait to have a baby, that was what he was stuck on. It took a lot of time for him to understand what was going on and how it had happened, but he finally came around and began to accept that this is what was going on and there was no changing it.

      I had my first prenatal appointment Tuesday, May 22, 2012. I had made an appointment with the OB that I had during my pregnancies with both my son and my daughter. He did an ultrasound and made a picture for us to take home. Aaron stated that it looked like a motorcycle. He cried during the ultrasound as he saw the fast flicker of our baby's heartbeat. At that moment I believe is when he realized that this was real and that he was going to be a father again. It was determined that our due date was January 1, 2013 based on both, ultrasound and my last period. He also said that based on my two priors that I probably wouldn't carry to January and would have baby in December sometime.


The next day, after the first doctor reviewed my high-risk factors he decided he wouldn't be able to continue taking care of me during this pregnancy.       

       For weeks I searched for a new doctor. It wasn't until I talked to the ladies in a group on Cafemom and Facebook that I found the doctor that I began seeing in Tampa. I had my first appointment with them June 14 at 9am. They did normal first appointment stuff, did a routine pap smear, listened for fetal heart tones, and asked a lot of questions, then they referred me to their high-risk clinic. After the appointment was over, we set my second appointment and an ultrasound. The ultrasound was set for June 28 and the appointment was set for July 10. It seemed like everything was perfect and I was getting more and more excited.

      On the morning of June 28 I was really excited. I got to see my baby again, and I hoped that this time it would look like a baby and not a baby riding a motorcycle. We were a little late to the appointment because of traffic on the interstate and Wendy's being busy, but we got there at 1:32pm, my appointment was set for 1:30. Shortly after arriving and checking in they called me back and told me to go to room 2. The ultrasound tech was this little lady with a cute face, she seemed nice and welcoming, I was also over the moon about having this done and getting to see my adorable little bean, I was 13 weeks and 2 days pregnant. She started the ultrasound and we were looking at this adorable little baby. Everything to me seemed perfect. After she finished the abdominal she said that she wanted to check my cervix and did a trans vaginal ultrasound (I will NEVER have another of these as long as I can have children).  She did this ultrasound quickly and finished telling me that the doctor was going to come in and talk to me. She didn't say that she thought something was wrong, nothing. It seemed like an eternity for the doctor to come in and talk to me. When he finally decided to grace us with his presence he said very curtly that he noticed some abnormalities with the baby's head. That he thought that our baby had Anencephaly. My friend Brooke, whom was with me because Aaron couldn't get out of work to come with, didn't know what he was talking about so she asked him to explain what that meant.
Let me explain to you what Anencephaly is before I continue. Anencephaly is a Neural Tube Disorder where the brain, skull, and parts of the scalp don't properly fuse during the first four weeks of pregnancy. It is a fatal diagnosis and there is no known cause for it, BUT it is known to be more common in woman who take medicines to prevent seizures and in insulin dependant diabetics. Every one in ten thousand births is Anencephalic. It's a lot more common than most people know.
         When Brooke asked what it meant I already knew. I had seen blogs of women on Facebook and babycenter and cafemom that have had to deal with Anencephalic losses. Seeing these blogs tempted me to learn more about it, but I never in a million years expected it to happen to me, for me to be told this. I instantly broke down, shaking, crying, and just sobbing uncontrollably. The doctor walked out to make a phone call to the hospital while Brooke, whom was also in tears, called Aaron for me and attempted to tell him what was going on. He heard me in the background and demanded to talk to me without any explanation. She handed me the phone and as he was trying to calm me down enough to find out what was going on, Brooke was hugging me and just trying to be as supportive as possible. He finally talked me down a bit for me to explain what the doctor had just told me, he was shocked and got really quiet. He told me that everything would be OK and that he had to go back to work. After I got off the phone with him I called my doula and best friend, Stephanie. She told me to not take the news out right and to get a second opinion before making any brash decisions. At this point the doctor was back from making his phone call, which was him trying to make an appointment for me to go and terminate as soon as possible without me even having time to talk my options over with my baby's father. He also decided to tell me my options, which as he put it were; To let nature take it's course (because he said most Anencepahlic babies die in utero), to terminate, or to carry to term and watch my baby die either minutes or hours after birth. He said it just like this, with little to no compassion, just so matter-of-factly. He wouldn't stop talking and all I can remember about that is wanting to punch him in the face to make him shut up. He eventually said that I could go home and discuss my options with Aaron and then he left the room. I knew at that moment that I wanted to have a second opinion, but I didn't want to go into it unsupported. I called my sister and Aaron's mom to tell them what was going on and to ask their opinions on the idea of the second opinion, they both agreed that that would be the best bet and that they both supported it, no matter what the outcome. I cried for nearly eight hours that day, and I still cry sporadically because I feel like I have failed my baby, like in some way I didn't do something to protect him or her. I am now 16 weeks and 2 days and I'm still awaiting my second opinion. Aaron and I have decided that an amniocentesis will be our best route to take. I just have to find a doctor that will do it and then I have to wait longer to find out any results that come from it. We have estimated that I will be about 26 weeks before we have any hard facts.