Life: three years later.

          Life has been a roller coaster of substantial amounts of tears, broken hearts, uncontrollable emotion, as well as inexplicable joy, happiness, and love. Our hearts have shattered over the loss of our sweet Audrianna, and that pain will never be forgotten, nor should it ever be forgotten. The tears still come and some days I don't want to get out of bed, but I have to, because I have other children that need me. We have fought hard to remain in our amazing, healthy relationship, that, in most circumstances after the death of child, fall apart because there is lack of romance. Aaron and I have remained together after the terrible loss we suffered and learned to live, not just for us, but for our children before our loss, as well as our newest addition, Charlotte, and because Audrianna would not want us to suffer apart, because believe it or not, we need one another. The amount of support we have for one another is outstanding.
       Our Charlotte recently turned 1, she's a walking, babbling, and often talking tornado of giggles, smiles, and very few tears. We bought a house, and it's insane how fast life has moved forward. Aaron and I are less than 2 months from our wedding day and things are finally coming together for us as a family.
       We introduced Charlotte to Audrianna her birthday last year, and this year, just days away from our wedding we will release more lanterns for our butterfly girl, and we'll read her a story I wasn't ready for last year. I'm probably not ready for this story this year, but we celebrate Audrianna every year and Charlotte should know why. Charlotte deserves to know who her sister is and to know that she will be with her everywhere she goes.

Neverending Story

     It has been a while since I've sat myself down to put fingers to keyboard. So much has been going on that I'm not sure if life is even real anymore. I finished my third semester at our local state college on May 5th, and accomplishing so much after not believing that it would be possible at all feels fantastic. Last semester was a tough one for me. Aaron and I officially became engaged on January 1st, after nearly 4 and a half years together. Then a few short days later, January 3rd, we found out that we were once again, pregnant. Insanity had unleashed itself on us in the most unexpected way, and we couldn't have been happier. We have only had a few ultrasounds, but for the first time in my pregnancy history, I did not refuse the genetic testing. At around 18 weeks I did the Maternal Serum Screening and of course had the ultrasound to make sure our little bun was healthy. Results came back that our DAUGHTER is perfect. The blood serum test showed everything as negative and ultrasound showed that she had zero structural anomalies. I'm so excited for our newest journey that I don't know what to do with myself. Counting down the days until September 7th is an insane thing for us to do, but I would love to.

     I'm hoping that I'll be more inclined to keep everyone posted from here on out, and that we'll be able to all experience this journey together.

Thanks for tuning in,

Ashleigh, Audrianna, and Charlotte <3

A poem from an Angel to her Daddy

I wrote this. The other night I was sitting in the shower, thinking about our precious little angel, and this came to me. I wrote it as her Valentine to her Daddy. I'm now ready to share it.

I visited you last night

Saw you as I was flying high

You had your hands upon your face

So I sat and watched you cry.

You said my name twice,

I heard Daddy, I did.

Aloud for me to hear

but just a whisper to your ears.

To me it was a scream,

that said you needed me.

I'm here to let you know

I may be gone from your world

But I'm here whenever you're in need,

I'm still your special girl.

As you climbed into bed

tears still in your eyes,

laid your head upon your pillow

exactly next to mine.

I whispered that I loved you,

I do this much is true

I lay with you often,

You hear my light whispers

of the love that we share

A father daughter bond

To which none other can compare.

My stay on Earth was short

and I may have never cried,

but my tears ran down your face,

The moment that I died.

It was your love, daddy,

That I needed and that was what I got.

A love never ending

though now I'm just a thought.

When you held me in your arms, Daddy

You received my precious heart,

A love that that's never ending,

even though we are apart.

I love you, Daddy.

So far away.

Days have become a surreal blur. Audrianna would have been 2 months old on Christmas day and I miss her terribly. Our family is struggling to move on and live a normal life. I know we can't move on with life in a few months, but it's almost as though time is working against us. Tuesday would have been my due date with her. She would have just been born. It has definitely been rough trying to deal with this, especially during the Holidays.

I am Audrianna's mother

I have been thinking too much lately. Audrianna has been on my mind nonstop. It has been 6 weeks since our brief hello and goodbye in October. I have finally gone back to work and I also got her memorial tattoo done. To state, I may have only got to carry her for 30 weeks, but in those 30 weeks I got to hear her beartbeat, watch and feel her move, see her beautiful face on ultrasounds, and I got to hold her in my arms for hours, yes, even after she had passed. She will be in my heart for a life time and beyond. I love my daughter so much that it hurts. Time heals all wounds, I just don't know how long it will take for this one to heal. 8:12a - 8:51a 10/25/12

A bit late

The first month has passed, it has not gotten any easier, not that I'm expecting it to be easier, but the past month has been the hardest one in my entire existence. Aaron and I have increasingly gotten closer and have made the love we share not only for our daughter, but one another, nearly unbreakable. I am so grateful that he is the man that is walking this journey with me. If it were not for him I don't know if I would be able to sit here and tell everyone this. We share the same tears, him and I. I can honestly say, I love him and I don't feel guilty about it. Love is the key.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." -Mother Teresa

It's Thanksgiving...

I know my title is clearly stating the obvious, but I don't feel very thankful today. I, of course, am grateful for all of our supporters and all of the people we don't know that have followed, read this and supported us from a distance. Exactly four weeks ago we had to say both, hello and goodbye to our Audrianna, so today so far has been very difficult. We are on a very long and difficult road right now and I'm still waiting for the day I can wake up and not feel a rush of guilt that there was nothing that I could do to protect her from the horrible fate she was destined. I miss her more and more everyday and not a second goes by that she's not on my mind.
Mommy and Daddy love and miss you very much, Audrianna and I need to remember that it's four weeks closer to my being with you again.