So far away.

Days have become a surreal blur. Audrianna would have been 2 months old on Christmas day and I miss her terribly. Our family is struggling to move on and live a normal life. I know we can't move on with life in a few months, but it's almost as though time is working against us. Tuesday would have been my due date with her. She would have just been born. It has definitely been rough trying to deal with this, especially during the Holidays.

I am Audrianna's mother

I have been thinking too much lately. Audrianna has been on my mind nonstop. It has been 6 weeks since our brief hello and goodbye in October. I have finally gone back to work and I also got her memorial tattoo done. To state, I may have only got to carry her for 30 weeks, but in those 30 weeks I got to hear her beartbeat, watch and feel her move, see her beautiful face on ultrasounds, and I got to hold her in my arms for hours, yes, even after she had passed. She will be in my heart for a life time and beyond. I love my daughter so much that it hurts. Time heals all wounds, I just don't know how long it will take for this one to heal. 8:12a - 8:51a 10/25/12

A bit late

The first month has passed, it has not gotten any easier, not that I'm expecting it to be easier, but the past month has been the hardest one in my entire existence. Aaron and I have increasingly gotten closer and have made the love we share not only for our daughter, but one another, nearly unbreakable. I am so grateful that he is the man that is walking this journey with me. If it were not for him I don't know if I would be able to sit here and tell everyone this. We share the same tears, him and I. I can honestly say, I love him and I don't feel guilty about it. Love is the key.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." -Mother Teresa

It's Thanksgiving...

I know my title is clearly stating the obvious, but I don't feel very thankful today. I, of course, am grateful for all of our supporters and all of the people we don't know that have followed, read this and supported us from a distance. Exactly four weeks ago we had to say both, hello and goodbye to our Audrianna, so today so far has been very difficult. We are on a very long and difficult road right now and I'm still waiting for the day I can wake up and not feel a rush of guilt that there was nothing that I could do to protect her from the horrible fate she was destined. I miss her more and more everyday and not a second goes by that she's not on my mind.
Mommy and Daddy love and miss you very much, Audrianna and I need to remember that it's four weeks closer to my being with you again.

Taylor Swift - Never Grow Up - [LYRICS]

Terrible times, lasting impressions

     Audrianna's memorial gathering is monday, TOMORROW. We got her cremains yesterday. I got my necklace for them Friday along with her urn, just waiting on her daddy's necklace and we'll be set.
     Some days it feels like time is standing still. No matter how much I wish for the day to end it crawls. There's not a second that goes by that Audrianna's not on my mind, things that we would be doing, the way she would smell after a bath, even the way her cry would sound. It's amazing how someone so tiny could have such an impact on your life, even when she's not here.
     We also found out the cost of the tattoos we are getting in her memory. Aaron has decided to get his up and down the opposite side of his ribs from Aydin's name, a brave choice... I'll be getting mine just below my left collar bone as close to my heart as I can get it. I would have gotten it on my heart, if it wasn't for the silly strawberry mole that is there. We'll only have to pay $100 total when all is said and done, which I'm grateful for.
      Aydin still doesn't quite understand what's going on. He knows she's his baby sister and he knows that she can't be here with us, but he doesn't know why nor does he understand why she died. That's the hard part, explaining to them that there was nothing that we could do, she was too sick, and then the look in their eyes when you tell them that she's still with them and knowing that she has such amazing older siblings.
     Hopefully days will get shorter and the stress will deplete. I also hope that my smile gets bigger and that laughing doesn't hurt as much. One day at a time, that's all I can ask.

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