I know my title is clearly stating the obvious, but I don't feel very thankful today. I, of course, am grateful for all of our supporters and all of the people we don't know that have followed, read this and supported us from a distance. Exactly four weeks ago we had to say both, hello and goodbye to our Audrianna, so today so far has been very difficult. We are on a very long and difficult road right now and I'm still waiting for the day I can wake up and not feel a rush of guilt that there was nothing that I could do to protect her from the horrible fate she was destined. I miss her more and more everyday and not a second goes by that she's not on my mind.
Mommy and Daddy love and miss you very much, Audrianna and I need to remember that it's four weeks closer to my being with you again.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Terrible times, lasting impressions
Audrianna's memorial gathering is monday, TOMORROW. We got her cremains yesterday. I got my necklace for them Friday along with her urn, just waiting on her daddy's necklace and we'll be set.
Some days it feels like time is standing still. No matter how much I wish for the day to end it crawls. There's not a second that goes by that Audrianna's not on my mind, things that we would be doing, the way she would smell after a bath, even the way her cry would sound. It's amazing how someone so tiny could have such an impact on your life, even when she's not here.
We also found out the cost of the tattoos we are getting in her memory. Aaron has decided to get his up and down the opposite side of his ribs from Aydin's name, a brave choice... I'll be getting mine just below my left collar bone as close to my heart as I can get it. I would have gotten it on my heart, if it wasn't for the silly strawberry mole that is there. We'll only have to pay $100 total when all is said and done, which I'm grateful for.
Aydin still doesn't quite understand what's going on. He knows she's his baby sister and he knows that she can't be here with us, but he doesn't know why nor does he understand why she died. That's the hard part, explaining to them that there was nothing that we could do, she was too sick, and then the look in their eyes when you tell them that she's still with them and knowing that she has such amazing older siblings.
Hopefully days will get shorter and the stress will deplete. I also hope that my smile gets bigger and that laughing doesn't hurt as much. One day at a time, that's all I can ask.
Some days it feels like time is standing still. No matter how much I wish for the day to end it crawls. There's not a second that goes by that Audrianna's not on my mind, things that we would be doing, the way she would smell after a bath, even the way her cry would sound. It's amazing how someone so tiny could have such an impact on your life, even when she's not here.
We also found out the cost of the tattoos we are getting in her memory. Aaron has decided to get his up and down the opposite side of his ribs from Aydin's name, a brave choice... I'll be getting mine just below my left collar bone as close to my heart as I can get it. I would have gotten it on my heart, if it wasn't for the silly strawberry mole that is there. We'll only have to pay $100 total when all is said and done, which I'm grateful for.
Aydin still doesn't quite understand what's going on. He knows she's his baby sister and he knows that she can't be here with us, but he doesn't know why nor does he understand why she died. That's the hard part, explaining to them that there was nothing that we could do, she was too sick, and then the look in their eyes when you tell them that she's still with them and knowing that she has such amazing older siblings.
Hopefully days will get shorter and the stress will deplete. I also hope that my smile gets bigger and that laughing doesn't hurt as much. One day at a time, that's all I can ask.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
The pain is never ending.
I know this feeling too well. I will never forget you Audrianna, Mommy and Daddy love you, forever. I wish you could be here in my arms, just one more time, that I could whisper I love you.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Audrianna
She has such a cute nose, her daddy's all the way.
The tears wouldn't stop, all I could do was tell her I love her.
Just as surgery had started. I was terrified, but I did great.
Daddy's princess, the love he has for her is amazing.
I love this little girl so much, I miss her already.
Words cannot describe how much I love them.
2lbs 8.9 ounces, 13.5 inches long. She lived for 39 minutes. I wish it could have been longer, but I'm glad I got to hold her while she was still alive. Gone from us here on Earth but in our hearts forever.Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Strange measures
Had my 30 week appointment this morning. Discussed issues with her sitting on my kidney, he's doing a urine culture to make sure I don't have a kidney infection because of it. He also did normal fundal measurements. Two weeks ago, Ms. Audrianna was measuring at 26 weeks, today she was measuring at 47 centimeters... so basically, based on fundal height, she was ready 7 weeks ago, Doctor Shakfeh asked if I've been having contractions, which I have, but nothing constant enough to bother me. He said that based on the size of my uterus, she is "ready" so the contractions could get more frequent, which he wants, he wants her to be the 10% of Anencephalic babies that will put the mother into labor. He also said that because of the anencephaly, I have too much amniotic fluid which he called Polyhydramnios. The Polyhydramnios is what is causing my large measurements.
Also, in other news, he got hospital clearance for my VBAC or as it's now called TOLAC.
Also, in other news, he got hospital clearance for my VBAC or as it's now called TOLAC.
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