Walking through the Rain

A good friend of mine is in the NICU right now with her beautiful baby girl, Hazel. She needs kind words and encouragement as her daughter's doctor has all but given up on this entire family. Please, give her blog a read and comment if you can. She is in a dark place and this NICU Journey is scary and discouraging. Please, if any of you can give her kind words, prayers, thoughts, whatever you see fit, please do so.

http://hazels-journey.blogspot.com/

Life: three years later.

          Life has been a roller coaster of substantial amounts of tears, broken hearts, uncontrollable emotion, as well as inexplicable joy, happiness, and love. Our hearts have shattered over the loss of our sweet Audrianna, and that pain will never be forgotten, nor should it ever be forgotten. The tears still come and some days I don't want to get out of bed, but I have to, because I have other children that need me. We have fought hard to remain in our amazing, healthy relationship, that, in most circumstances after the death of child, fall apart because there is lack of romance. Aaron and I have remained together after the terrible loss we suffered and learned to live, not just for us, but for our children before our loss, as well as our newest addition, Charlotte, and because Audrianna would not want us to suffer apart, because believe it or not, we need one another. The amount of support we have for one another is outstanding.
       Our Charlotte recently turned 1, she's a walking, babbling, and often talking tornado of giggles, smiles, and very few tears. We bought a house, and it's insane how fast life has moved forward. Aaron and I are less than 2 months from our wedding day and things are finally coming together for us as a family.
       We introduced Charlotte to Audrianna her birthday last year, and this year, just days away from our wedding we will release more lanterns for our butterfly girl, and we'll read her a story I wasn't ready for last year. I'm probably not ready for this story this year, but we celebrate Audrianna every year and Charlotte should know why. Charlotte deserves to know who her sister is and to know that she will be with her everywhere she goes.

Neverending Story

     It has been a while since I've sat myself down to put fingers to keyboard. So much has been going on that I'm not sure if life is even real anymore. I finished my third semester at our local state college on May 5th, and accomplishing so much after not believing that it would be possible at all feels fantastic. Last semester was a tough one for me. Aaron and I officially became engaged on January 1st, after nearly 4 and a half years together. Then a few short days later, January 3rd, we found out that we were once again, pregnant. Insanity had unleashed itself on us in the most unexpected way, and we couldn't have been happier. We have only had a few ultrasounds, but for the first time in my pregnancy history, I did not refuse the genetic testing. At around 18 weeks I did the Maternal Serum Screening and of course had the ultrasound to make sure our little bun was healthy. Results came back that our DAUGHTER is perfect. The blood serum test showed everything as negative and ultrasound showed that she had zero structural anomalies. I'm so excited for our newest journey that I don't know what to do with myself. Counting down the days until September 7th is an insane thing for us to do, but I would love to.

     I'm hoping that I'll be more inclined to keep everyone posted from here on out, and that we'll be able to all experience this journey together.

Thanks for tuning in,

Ashleigh, Audrianna, and Charlotte <3

A poem from an Angel to her Daddy

I wrote this. The other night I was sitting in the shower, thinking about our precious little angel, and this came to me. I wrote it as her Valentine to her Daddy. I'm now ready to share it.

I visited you last night

Saw you as I was flying high

You had your hands upon your face

So I sat and watched you cry.

You said my name twice,

I heard Daddy, I did.

Aloud for me to hear

but just a whisper to your ears.

To me it was a scream,

that said you needed me.

I'm here to let you know

I may be gone from your world

But I'm here whenever you're in need,

I'm still your special girl.

As you climbed into bed

tears still in your eyes,

laid your head upon your pillow

exactly next to mine.

I whispered that I loved you,

I do this much is true

I lay with you often,

You hear my light whispers

of the love that we share

A father daughter bond

To which none other can compare.

My stay on Earth was short

and I may have never cried,

but my tears ran down your face,

The moment that I died.

It was your love, daddy,

That I needed and that was what I got.

A love never ending

though now I'm just a thought.

When you held me in your arms, Daddy

You received my precious heart,

A love that that's never ending,

even though we are apart.

I love you, Daddy.

So far away.

Days have become a surreal blur. Audrianna would have been 2 months old on Christmas day and I miss her terribly. Our family is struggling to move on and live a normal life. I know we can't move on with life in a few months, but it's almost as though time is working against us. Tuesday would have been my due date with her. She would have just been born. It has definitely been rough trying to deal with this, especially during the Holidays.

I am Audrianna's mother

I have been thinking too much lately. Audrianna has been on my mind nonstop. It has been 6 weeks since our brief hello and goodbye in October. I have finally gone back to work and I also got her memorial tattoo done. To state, I may have only got to carry her for 30 weeks, but in those 30 weeks I got to hear her beartbeat, watch and feel her move, see her beautiful face on ultrasounds, and I got to hold her in my arms for hours, yes, even after she had passed. She will be in my heart for a life time and beyond. I love my daughter so much that it hurts. Time heals all wounds, I just don't know how long it will take for this one to heal. 8:12a - 8:51a 10/25/12

A bit late

The first month has passed, it has not gotten any easier, not that I'm expecting it to be easier, but the past month has been the hardest one in my entire existence. Aaron and I have increasingly gotten closer and have made the love we share not only for our daughter, but one another, nearly unbreakable. I am so grateful that he is the man that is walking this journey with me. If it were not for him I don't know if I would be able to sit here and tell everyone this. We share the same tears, him and I. I can honestly say, I love him and I don't feel guilty about it. Love is the key.

"I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love." -Mother Teresa

It's Thanksgiving...

I know my title is clearly stating the obvious, but I don't feel very thankful today. I, of course, am grateful for all of our supporters and all of the people we don't know that have followed, read this and supported us from a distance. Exactly four weeks ago we had to say both, hello and goodbye to our Audrianna, so today so far has been very difficult. We are on a very long and difficult road right now and I'm still waiting for the day I can wake up and not feel a rush of guilt that there was nothing that I could do to protect her from the horrible fate she was destined. I miss her more and more everyday and not a second goes by that she's not on my mind.
Mommy and Daddy love and miss you very much, Audrianna and I need to remember that it's four weeks closer to my being with you again.

Taylor Swift - Never Grow Up - [LYRICS]

Terrible times, lasting impressions

     Audrianna's memorial gathering is monday, TOMORROW. We got her cremains yesterday. I got my necklace for them Friday along with her urn, just waiting on her daddy's necklace and we'll be set.
     Some days it feels like time is standing still. No matter how much I wish for the day to end it crawls. There's not a second that goes by that Audrianna's not on my mind, things that we would be doing, the way she would smell after a bath, even the way her cry would sound. It's amazing how someone so tiny could have such an impact on your life, even when she's not here.
     We also found out the cost of the tattoos we are getting in her memory. Aaron has decided to get his up and down the opposite side of his ribs from Aydin's name, a brave choice... I'll be getting mine just below my left collar bone as close to my heart as I can get it. I would have gotten it on my heart, if it wasn't for the silly strawberry mole that is there. We'll only have to pay $100 total when all is said and done, which I'm grateful for.
      Aydin still doesn't quite understand what's going on. He knows she's his baby sister and he knows that she can't be here with us, but he doesn't know why nor does he understand why she died. That's the hard part, explaining to them that there was nothing that we could do, she was too sick, and then the look in their eyes when you tell them that she's still with them and knowing that she has such amazing older siblings.
     Hopefully days will get shorter and the stress will deplete. I also hope that my smile gets bigger and that laughing doesn't hurt as much. One day at a time, that's all I can ask.

Donations to help pay for services

The pain is never ending.

I know this feeling too well. I will never forget you Audrianna, Mommy and Daddy love you, forever. I wish you could be here in my arms, just one more time, that I could whisper I love you.

Audrianna

She has such a cute nose, her daddy's all the way.

 The tears wouldn't stop, all I could do was tell her I love her.

 Just as surgery had started. I was terrified, but I did great.

Daddy's princess, the love he has for her is amazing.

 I love this little girl so much, I miss her already.

 Words cannot describe how much I love them.

 2lbs 8.9 ounces, 13.5 inches long. She lived for 39 minutes. I wish it could have been longer, but I'm glad I got to hold her while she was still alive. Gone from us here on Earth but in our hearts forever.

Strange measures

      Had my 30 week appointment this morning. Discussed issues with her sitting on my kidney, he's doing a urine culture to make sure I don't have a kidney infection because of it. He also did normal fundal measurements. Two weeks ago, Ms. Audrianna was measuring at 26 weeks, today she was measuring at 47 centimeters... so basically, based on fundal height, she was ready 7 weeks ago, Doctor Shakfeh asked if I've been having contractions, which I have, but nothing constant enough to bother me. He said that based on the size of my uterus, she is "ready" so the contractions could get more frequent, which he wants, he wants her to be the 10% of Anencephalic babies that will put the mother into labor. He also said that because of the anencephaly, I have too much amniotic fluid which he called Polyhydramnios. The Polyhydramnios is what is causing my large measurements.
      Also, in other news, he got hospital clearance for my VBAC or as it's now called TOLAC.

Details, details, details...

      Had a quick Dr. appointment today. We discussed potential dates for the induction. He wasn't cleared to do the induction at or before 37 weeks because of the hospital and insurance guidelines. So Nov. 23rd is now completely out.
      He said that because of the guidelines the soonest he could do it is 39 weeks, which falls on Christmas up until 41 weeks, which falls on my mom's birthday. Now, mind you, these time frames are all "relative" and if my health starts to decline or I start to dilate, then of course, we can induce a little earlier. Things are all over the place, but my blood sugar levels and blood pressure at this point are next to perfect, so he's not too concerned at the moment.
      I was also informed today that now that I'm in my 3rd trimester, I'll be seeing him every two weeks until 34 weeks, when I start seeing him weekly. And we still have no word on when he wants me to take my leave of absence from work... we'll see soon, depending on how comfortable I am come December, I know right now, I'm about done.

Audrianna's Debut

 This is Audrianna's girl part debut. The first time she has ever showed them to us. We love her so much <3

In this picture you can see that the top of her head isn't normal. The entire top right side of her skull is missing.

Audrianna is so beautiful. We love her with everything we have. Nothing will change that ever. Miss Audrianna is trying to suck her thumb but she was mad because she kept getting poked by the ultrasound probe.

Imperfectly Perfect

I had an appointment yesterday and they made me an appointment for this morning for my 3D/4D ultrasound. I had to be to the doctor's office at 8:45 to check the severity of the abnormality that the doctor in Tampa found. She was all over the place. While the technician scanned my belly Autumn and I watched on a big screen TV in front of us. During the 2D portion baby didn't look any different and then they switched to the 3D/4D portion. They determined she is in fact a girl, she wasn't shy this time. Then they scanned her head and we got to see that the right side of her brain and skull are missing because they didn't fully develop.
Audrianna Elizabeth Guy will be born anytime between November 28th and December 11th, there will be a service in her honor. All we can do is remember that she will be well taken care of and in a better place. She will never be forgotten and she will live on through Aaron and I for the rest of our lives. As we move forward we have to remember that she's perfect in every way because she is ours and the most we can do now is love her in the time that we have her.

Breaking the Silence

      After finding a new doctor there has been an exciting amount of movement going on in my belly. Baby has been moving non-stop for weeks and it's making me feel like there is hope. I have had a few more ultrasounds done, but was told that I need a better ultrasound ie, a 3D/4D because the ultrasounds aren't making it easy to tell if the skull is formed or not. In some shots it looks viable, in others it looks as though the brain is missing a lobe. I have had a 3D/4D ultrasound scheduled for September 11, I will then be 24 weeks pregnant with this baby, and I still don't know what the sex of the baby is.
       During the ultrasound my friend Autumn and I were watching the little palm sized screen, he was pointing out the things that we were looking at. Whether it was the baby's long legs and adorable feet or the head he pointed out everything so that we could get a thorough understanding of what we were looking at. As he went to look at the baby's gender we then watched her legs cross so that we couldn't see. It was just amazing.
       We have a long road ahead of us, and it's going to be riddled with tests and exams and possibly unanswered questions. But we're holding together and we're walking through this because it's what is right. I love this child and no matter the outcome she/he will always be my son or daughter.

Finding out...

I really want to know what we're going to be having regardless of the outcome of our second opinion, everyone at work keeps asking if we will find out or not, but not many people know of all the stuff that's going on. And how do you tell people that you only really associate with during work hours something so heartwrenching? I guess my biggest question here is, is it wrong to want to know what we're having at this point? Or is it ok to know? Am I being selfish?

Really proved their worth today....

I went to the original doctor in Tampa today.... My blood sugar dropped while I was there for my appointment, they didn't care, so we left, will not be returning.